How The Enlightenment Event helped Mary find inner peace and reclaim her power in relationships.
Mary joined The Enlightenment Event with an ongoing bug bear with her husband. And with a repeating pattern of her own – finding that she would so often be lost in thoughts, and feeling reactive to both herself and others.
She is one of the group who has fully immersed in the experiential journey of this programme. And I’m delighted to share her story with you. This post is curated, with her permission, from comments written by Mary in the course space. With names changed for anonymity outside of the course.
Mary’s words beautifully illustrate the deepening of her journey into herself, which has unravelled and revealed so much, culminating in a most striking realisation about her relationship with herself, and with her husband.
We start in May
This comes after moving through the first three months of the programme.
So SO much has been and is being revealed! I wanted to share some of it, and kind of document what’s been going on since April’s Emotional Enlightenment month really. It makes sense that one month unfolds into the next in this journey of discovery.
During the Emotional Enlightenment session of The Bitesize Event, I had the image of a heavy iron cannonball being pushed out through my stomach by some inner ‘light nymphs’ that seem to be part of my process. It took effort, but it was occupying space and after this there was more space and a sense of relief and a billowing ceiling awning was revealed.
Later on (back in the main Enlightenment Event Emotions month) that was pulled down – yards and yards of silk-like black fabric being pulled and pulled away – identified as mourning, loss, grief. Eventually that fell away, literally, and there was no more fabric left. It revealed (all interestingly moving into a physically ‘higher’ plane) the rafters in a roof and an ugly grey slug-like creature sitting half within a cocoon/shell like casing hiding away from sight (too ugly to be seen). I asked who they were. ‘I am worthless’ came the reply. So I said hello and sat with them. (Internally I was quite shocked, had no idea that there was a sense of worthlessness there). And that’s where I stayed for some days.
At one point the question came to my mind ‘where has joy, delight, love gone in my life?’ and Worthless answered – ‘I ate them!’. It was very strange but I just accepted it as a helpful image leading me somewhere. After a conversation with Helen about our hiding parts I recognised that was who Worthless was – a very hidden part running the show from the rafters.
I was still sitting with Worthless but something prompted another release (can’t recall what now) and Worthless kind of split in half with pure light emanating outwards and four light nymphs who’d been trapped were released. They danced round my face and were freedom, joy, delight and love. When I looked back at Worthless what was left was an empty lifeless shell.
Then we went into the Physical Enlightenment month and that focus on connecting with the body has brought more along – both physical and emotional.
Firstly realising just how much I treat my body like a machine – one that can keep going and also doesn’t have any ‘feeling’ as such, and when it’s trying to express something (e.g. tiredness or the need to rest) it’s just over-ridden so much of the time until it brings in the big guns of headaches or exhaustion (and still then it is not honoured, merely ‘tolerated’ – and that I have to submit to the body only as long as it takes to get back to business).
Something big about seeing, acknowledging and honouring the wisdom of the body came from your opening call Helen, just by noticing how little that happens generally. ‘Pushing on through’ seems to have been something I’ve picked up as more honourable instead (as in the kind of energy it takes to win a race – only this ‘life’ isn’t a race and ‘this body’ is very tired most of the time).
I read your post about ‘teenage’ embarrassment right before the call. I think it triggered a lot of body stuff, which I’ve since shared in the Community, and that’s why I was so wobbly before we even started with Emily and her Voice session.
Since that call, another email triggered shame and disappointment related to the body, sex and relationships. Where I might have tried to avoid it in the past, I remembered that it’s safe to be with the energy and since no one else was making demands I took myself off to lie down in bed for a bit of a cry because that’s what was present.
My body responded in a way it hasn’t before. There was a big intake of breath and a deep sobbing outtake of breath that went on and on and on with a kind of ‘pushing out’ feeling coming from within.
It was strange in that if I was deliberately trying to do that I would have felt out of breath and panicky, but I just let the out breath completely void and empty itself, then the next sob came and the same out breath going deeper and deeper each time. This happened about 10 or so times and then I was done, the energy released and the sobbing finished. I got up and carried on like it was all no big deal! That was a massive turn around for me – to honour the energy physically (of shame and disappointment) and let it pass and go.
On the back of that ‘I’m disappointed’ soon followed revealing the deeper childhood belief that I think you’ve mentioned seeing – ‘I’m a disappointment’. That was another ‘oh!’ moment and it was no coincidence I feel that this insight arrived the day after I’d been to my great niece’s first birthday. I haven’t seen her in 6 months. At one, she is at that engaging, interacting, curious place of being delight in a body. There is no possible way she could be a ‘disappointment’ to anyone. And I realised that was me too ‘I am not a disappointment, how could I possibly be a disappointment?’.
That sense of disappointment though relates back to something to do with the energy of my father and my sense of being a girl and how those two things never seemed to align, and that learning to be a ‘good girl’ was how I could get his attention. That just being his baby girl was not enough, not in the way I saw my niece’s father interact with her. I don’t know of course, because I can’t remember, it’s just the sense I have, and I’m sure it got layered up over time with anything I did wrong, ever, being labelled ‘disappointment’. After all, during the time I was growing up people liberally and generally said things to kids like ‘you should be ashamed of yourself, I’m so disappointed in you, you’ve let me down, you’ve let yourself down’. I heard these phrases (not necessarily directed at me) at school, TV, in conversations about other people, and totally never wanted to be on the receiving end of that, and so I tried very hard to make sure I wasn’t!
That masculine/feminine dynamic and the conflict between those energies seems to exist for me in the outer domain between my dad and me, my husband and me. So I was appreciative and curious about Emily’s comment about the balancing of those energies internally.
In my play therapy training that came up – but it all seemed like an ‘intellectual’ study of Jung, though I did a sand tray about 20 years ago with lots of vehicles lined up in jam and a crash which I was told was a representation of my masculine energy being too dominant and unwanted. At the time I think my feminine energy was very suppressed. Becoming a mum has opened something back up though I’m sure all still out of alignment because of the lack of ease in myself I feel and in the dynamics of ease in relating to women and not men.
I wondered how to follow the suggestion of letting my own inner masculine communicate with my inner feminine. My first thought was I don’t even know who he is or what he wants, and I wanted to dismiss that as impossible/irrelevant. But something came up with my daughter’s school the other day and I wanted to be assertive, not to be a push over. That felt like masculine energy – taking a stand for something, not being compliant or acquiescing to requests from others. I politely expressed my perspective in the email and asserted my position and it all worked out fine. Perhaps also my inner masculine wants to take action, get things done (something I find so hard and also the very thing that annoys me about my husband – the drive to do things quickly and efficiently) I’ve no idea how that will play out – yet to be revealed, but there’s lots of ‘action’ I don’t take.
The final thing that came out of this was an inner reflection about the feminine energy – when I saw something around feminine power which I think Emily embodies for me. It’s like a powerful softness.
It came to me the other night when I saw that there are different kinds of feminine energy. It came with a visual again of an internal tube of light energy swirling upwards and out of my body at the neck – my head was hinged off to one side like an attached lid opened at the hinge. Some of those light nymphs were spiralling upwards and outwards into the space of white light that was beyond my body and equally when I perceived the opening at the neck, the light could return back within. So funny that the ‘head’ was not a necessary part of this image!
I saw that there is ‘superior’ feminine energy ‘I’m better than men’ (my mum has that a bit) and ‘radical’ feminine energy – men are the enemy (my sister has that one), and that ‘powerful’ feminine energy – soft and yet powerful was all about women and men in harmony, in a symbiotic relationship of mutual benefit. And that energy in me seemed to be apparent in that moment too and it was stronger and more powerful than the ‘toxic’ feminine energies.
Hey ho! – That’s where this journey has taken me to this point. Let’s see what breathwork reveals!!
A week later…
I said ‘hey ho’ because it seemed like ‘all of that’ was just touching the tip of the iceberg… like there’s so much more to be revealed…. who knows what, but it feels like it’s coming.
What I remembered after my other post was what prompted the visual of the tube of light entering and exiting through my neck. It happened when I got curious about the feeling of ‘I am a disappointment’ in my body.
The moment that thought appeared there was a kind of ‘ah’ recognition both of surprise at it’s being there and the truth of knowing that it’s always been there unseen. And immediately on that recognition the thought came of ‘where is that felt’? My body responded instantly with a thick elastic band like tightness horizontally across my belly moving into a vertical thick band of tightness on my left side – it felt like a stitch.
I haven’t yet watched the bonus ‘connection with the body’ video, so I don’t know if this is in that, but what seemed to be right in that moment was to place my hands on those areas, pressing gently downwards into the stitch feeling and moving my hand gently around as if to ‘break down’ the blockage (it felt like a blockage).
This ‘energy’ clearing thing is becoming more curious to me and I was wondering if we can clear our own energy with our own healing hands. I’ve maybe had reiki once but always thought you had to be ‘special’ in some way to do ‘energy healing’ things – like a calling or a gift. But you have shown me that it can be something you can feel your way into and move towards, so it seemed in that moment that energy healing is available to all of us, if we tune in to it.
My hands stayed there for some time and the physical tightness of the belly eased off, but the left-hand side (female!) stitch stayed. I then felt nudged to move my right hand down to the ‘birth centre’ (love Heather’s name for that) like enclosing the root chakra and bringing energy to blocks in that part of the body.
At the same time, I’ve been having all these niggles on the right side of my body for ages and have been aware to some extent that it’s connected to masculine energy needing attention. This has manifested particularly in my right groin, such that I can’t easily relax my leg open on that side (as explained about tightness and tension held there).
Whilst my right hand was holding the root chakra and my left hand was pressing into the ‘female’ stitch, I lent my right forearm into the discomfort of the right groin and the words ‘you’re included’ were repeating over and over in my head. It was like this ‘irritated, left out’ masculine energy needed to be seen and acknowledged and connected, via the root chakra, to the female energy of the left side. Whilst that was happening, I noticed the muscles releasing, the twinge of groin tightness relaxing, and the leg being able to lower further and further in a way that isn’t usually possible.
Where previously my night-time ‘wakings’ have all been very much head based reflections on what’s going on, this felt totally different – more like a personal body ‘healing’ of what was really masculine/feminine energies out of balance. And because ‘I’m a disappointment’ seemed to be so related to the idea of being a girl, as in some way a disappointment to a very traditional male father, quite possibly rejection of all masculine energy has been going on behind the scenes. And, as I said earlier, there is now the realisation that there can be ‘toxic’ feminine energy as well as ‘toxic’ masculine energy – where ‘powerful’ feminine energy just wants to reunite and balance both energies.
And after all that – I wonder if there really is masculine and feminine energy since surely if all we are is just formless ‘energy’ there is no duality of masculine/feminine? But in this life form and particularly in this body, the duality of masculine/feminine seems to be quite a thing and has probably been a thing for a very long time!
3 months later…
Weird stuff just surfacing to mind.
I was in the bath just now watching the August Opening Call. I only got half an hour in… you were discussing where we started and where we are now.
The thought occurred to me – I want to be ‘in life’. I don’t especially want to be doing spiritual explorations – never have… I just want to feel ok with where I’m at – always have… to feel ok – to feel the ok-ness of being ok.
And that always always looked like it was ‘attached’ to the outside world, until coming across the Three Principles. The understanding of that still stands for me, big time, that our inner experience is a reflection of our internal system/thinking, not the outside world as I was taught. That was the big takeaway.
So as I reflected on why I started The Enlightenment Event (why I’ve done any of this at all…) it was about ‘feeling comfortable’ in my relationship with Bob.
The other day I had a moment of seeing that the only relationship I’m in is the one in my head – only known to me, not known to Bob. There is no ‘actual’ relationship – as Bob is in the relationship in his head – unknown to me, only known to him – and that is likely to be a completely different relationship to the one I experience.
I think I thought originally if I could just ‘know and understand’ his experiences, then I’ll be ok. Then I’ll have the picture of what’s going on, then I’ll know how to be and behave IN ORDER TO(!) feel comfortable. That’s why him not talking, not sharing his inner world experience was sooo frustrating. If he doesn’t share or tell me what’s going on, how can I ‘understand’ therefore how can I ‘know how to be’ in relation to him, in order to feel comfortable…. which is all I ever wanted!!
At the outset of my journey with Bob I thought he was just withholding from me – I mean everyone has a complex inner world experience of thoughts and feelings, don’t they???!!!! Then I realised he simply doesn’t ‘think’ about stuff much of the time. Then I was cross because that seemed to deprive me of an experience of ‘knowing’ someone – when they share their vulnerabilities, sorrows, ups and downs – the stuff on which my life has always been based – being there for someone else in their moment of need, and them being there for me equally. That’s how life works… until you meet someone who doesn’t function that way and they throw a spanner in the works.
I can see how deftly I avoided those sorts of people all my life – until ironically I ended up in a long-term relationship with one of them – because beyond all the ‘logic’ there was a deeper knowing of a man with a good, generous heart. Perhaps the simplicity of Bob was inviting and welcome on one level – all great until shit hits the fan and where was my support system when I was feeling vulnerable…
So reflecting on that all in the bath just now, I saw that being comfortable in my relationship with Bob was the mirror for ‘being comfortable with myself’. And that being comfortable with myself means allowing for and embracing all the turbulence – loving that too, facilitating its visibility, enlightenment and existence even.
When you asked on that August call, ‘what was the standout session?’ my response was Ilona’s – because for me making friends with strong emotions rather than shutting them down, turning away, avoiding/hating the feeling of them was what was needed. I was looking for that in Bob instead of seeing that it was the very thing I needed to do for myself. I put my attention on him being vulnerable with me, not being there for my own vulnerability.
I loved how one of the group brought up the word ‘investigation’ and you likened it to archaeology.
I didn’t really understand that I was ‘investigating’ myself in all of this. I thought I was finding my way to more peace and ease – that looking upstream was the solution to ‘not having dis-ease’. And I think that still holds true if you can see it in a moment.
And then there’s the moments where ‘dis-ease’ has taken hold, even if via thought, and for me what now seems true is that the only option at that point is to lovingly turn towards – to acknowledge and allow, to be curious, to investigate, to be loving ‘with’ the experience of being vulnerable – to be our own kindly parent.
Ilona’s session really put that on the map – and was the session which had me start to use the ‘images’ which come up for me to explore (safety in images) what the blockages even were to peace and ease, within my own system… sadness and disappointment were allowed as experiences, and worthlessness was revealed.
So I circled back just now to the idea of me originally wanting to know more of Bob’s thoughts and feelings as being the way forward for me and realised that that’s a bit ridiculous as thoughts and feelings are not solid ground anyway.
Thinking that you know and understand someone based on their thoughts and feelings is like thinking you know someone whilst standing on quicksand. At some level I think Bob has more of an insight on that that me – he has said to me before that I’m always different and he accepts that – which is of course true – depending on my mood, thoughts and feelings…!
The piece of the puzzle, which is more deeply true, is what’s beyond thoughts and feelings – so knowing ‘me’ without the detritus, or beyond the poop – is where I’ll actually know Bob – same thing.
Anyway – it’s not really Bob currently – it’s Beth who is being an excellent mirror – of moaning and complaining and poor me-ness – which I find difficult because I reject that within myself (or haven’t really held it lovingly or investigated it much yet…). Tension is there with Beth when that’s what she’s expressing because I can’t tolerate that experience within me… so I’m not really able to be in the right space for her at those moments.
And then the temptation sets in to be all ‘ihearty’ about it and point out what’s going on for her. But that doesn’t work – because I’m not really doing it for myself… it’s not genuine – it’s deflecting – the energy is not ‘pure’ as the other group member said. I’m not being a loving accepting mummy, I’m being an irritated mummy, irritated with myself really, not Beth. And that’s all ok too. I have the wherewithall to at least realise that and apologise and accept my responsibility for my inability to be with her in her experience. So now there’s room for investigation when I have a bit of time to be with myself with this – it’s been made visible…
Helen’s reply to this last, huge shift…
This is a whole post of INCREDIBLE truth, realisation and fantabulousness!! Exactly the kind of click click…click…aahh-haaa 💡 that comes from integration time!! 🎉
The truth of the impossibility of trying to secure yourself in the world – which I know you said had landed differently for you recently.
The truth of the impossibility of trying to be ok in yourself, by being able to behave in a certain ‘right’ way in relation to an idea of Bob (or Beth), which is based on the experience you think (or hope) he might be having!
This stood out to me – ‘I need you to be vulnerable so I can help you, and then I can be ok because I’m being a good helper’.
I recognise it because it was me too, and is very common when we’ve outsourced our ok-ness to the world in the hope that the world will validate us, and tell us we’re ok, because we don’t feel OK in ourselves.
Instead, I’m hearing the truth of – ‘I need me to be ok, and that’s my job. Then I’ll be in relationship with you.’
Woo hooooo! Sovereignty!! Self leadership. Response-ability.
And the added dimension of the depth of who you both are beyond thoughts and feelings. ❤️
What’s next…?
What’s next for Mary – of course we can never know this, till it happens. But I’m looking forward to seeing how things unfold in the next stages of The Enlightenment Event.
At the very least, you can clearly see, can’t you, the power that coming into deeper connection with herself and all her inner experience has had on Mary.
And in that increasing alignment with herself, comes increasing alignment with the world.
What’s next in The Enlightenment Event programme – from 4th September we move into 6 weeks of calls, reconnecting to the 6 themes of The Enlightenment Event. It’s a great time to join.
Move deeper into alignment with yourself, and with the world.
With love,
Helen and Mary
The Enlightenment Event
In this post, Mary wrote about Emily’s body session, the breathwork session which Anna provided, bonus sessions and calls with me, insights from Heather, and (significantly) Ilona’s session for coming into loving relationship with Emotions.
All of this, and so much more, is available in The Enlightenment Event.
A journey designed so that you get to engage in these experiential, embodied sessions – and actually enlighten your conditioning – taking you deeper into relationship with yourself, which leaves you free to live your, unique, aligned life.
Join us for the next set of live calls starting 4th September – each week, for 6 weeks, we’re reconnecting to the 6 themes of The Event.
OR
Join us and curate your own journey – Move through the whole thing from the start, like Mary did. Or dive into the sessions that are most calling you.
You get to create the programme that feels good and aligned for you.
You also get to create your aligned programme with the pricing that’s right for you. Three levels of payment, all the same access. Paid monthly till you cancel.
I look forward to meeting you in there.