When ‘I’m a Failure’ Comes to Visit

Last week I shared about living in the state of a spa day, and then this week has perfectly provided the opportunity to show the permanence of that state — including in the experience of feeling like a failure.

This last week has been one of my toughest for a long time.

It began in earnest on Monday when I meditated and saw my deepest fear. It’s expressed as a statement of fact, as though there is no doubt in it whatsoever: ‘there is something fundamentally wrong with you’.

And all of it made possible *because* of living in the state of a spa day.

That state — ever-present as my sure-footed ground of being — gives me the solidity and stability to hold these experiences that have looked too much or too big or too ugly or too shameful before now.

Background vs Foreground

What this means is that this last week has had the spa-day-state as my background. It never leaves. It doesn’t go. It doesn’t change. But the foreground experience — boy has that changed. Frequently. It’s included all the ups and the downs. And it has demonstrated beyond doubt that my experience is created as a result of what’s happening within me.

And so this is where living in the state of a spa day is incredibly powerful.

As you can see from what I’ve shared here, living as this state doesn’t remove all the ups and downs of experience. It doesn’t take away all the challenges. It doesn’t lead to a neutrality with life. You’re not floating along saying ‘om’ and feeling equanimous about all that you see and experience.

2 Comments. Leave new

  • Great blog, Helen. Reading and reflecting on your words I was reminded how, when the background isn’t known or is forgotten about, oh my goodness, there is complete identification with the foreground events as being unquestionably real and happening to me causing me to feel whatever is felt in that moment, be that pleasure or pain, surfing the wave of elation and success one minute then being at the apparent mercy of a wipe-out the next – believing with every fibre of my body that I am separate, vulnerable, unsafe in a separate, unpredictable, predatory world. But in seeing more deeply that essentially and permanently “I am” and in connecting more and more to this impersonal, non-judgemental space of being, curiosity and openness to really seeing the selfing patterns that have been innocently dictating experience of life for so long. Now, allowing them to finally be stayed with, understood, acknowledged, healed as they spontaneously dissolve back into the whole of us. Just wow :))
    Love your work, thank you

    • Thank you Clare, I really appreciate your kind words about my work, and I’m so glad this post resonated. How are you going with The Complete Book of Awakening to make that “I am” even more evident?


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