Would you rather be at work than at home with the kids?
When my kids were little I couldn’t wait to get back to work after maternity leave.
I couldn’t wait to drop them at nursery so I could get to the office.
Why?
Because at work I felt like I had some kind of clue what I was doing.
At work I felt capable, like I was making a difference, and like I could broadly control what I did, and how it would go.
At work I would get feedback that I was doing a good job.
At home I had none of that.
I was blindly running from one moment to the next.
Figuring out every moment on the fly.
Completely out of control with no idea what next move the kids would make to throw the plan off-course.
With zero feedback as to whether I was f^>$ing up as a parent or not.
I found it really f^>$ing hard!
What inspired me to share this? ….
On Insta this morning TheTinMen posted about the ‘away from home’ gap.
Saying that the pay gap exists because women work less once they have kids.
And that what gets ignored is that (post-kids) it’s actually an ‘away from home’ gap for men – because they work the long hours, they miss the kids’ plays, etc.
And absolutely, there will be men for whom that is the truth of it.
But what about the men for whom ‘away from home’ is a gift! (Like it was for me!)
Because for them the ‘away from home’ gap exists because they get to be at work where they feel more valuable, valued and like they can successfully contribute.
Whereas at home they feel like a spare part. Or like they can never quite get it right or good enough.
And like me, what they hate at home, is that they get no immediate feedback as to whether they’re f^>$ing up as a parent or not.
And that sucks.
In those instances, being at work becomes a life saver and these men would rather be out of the house for long hours than be at home feeling like a failure.
It’s possible to dress this up. It can be called ‘this problem just came up as I was about to leave’ or ‘that project is going off track’ or even ‘I’m doing this to provide for the family’.
I think I called it ‘being ambitious and committed to my career’ or ‘providing a good role model as a working mum’.
But the fact is – when you’re in that situation – it’s simply more comfortable and feels better at work.
Does this resonate for you?
It’s exactly what was going on for me when I wanted to escape home.
Look honestly and courageously. It doesn’t make you a bad person to say ‘yes that’s me’. It makes you honest and courageous.
Being honest and courageous then positions you perfectly for change – if change is what you want.
Because the truth is that you are actually desperate to feel better at home.
Of course you are! Your nature is to feel good.
And that means you want emotional health – on the inside.
When you have emotional health on the inside, it’s transportable – wherever you are, whatever context you’re in – you feel good.
In contrast, if you’re looking outside of yourself to feel good, it’s because you don’t feel good on the inside, about you.
The reason you don’t feel good ‘in you’ is because you’re busy trying to keep unwanted emotions from surfacing.
There’s an inner battle raging.
And the fact is, it will continue to rage UNTIL you delete that battle in you.
So my invitation….to all genders and relationship dynamics….
– If you’re the one staying home and being critical of the one who’s working. If you’re the one who’s always diminishing your partner’s efforts and contribution because they’re always at work => there’s inner-reaction deletion for you to do.
– If you’re the one who escapes to work. If you’re the one who needs someone or something outside of you to make you feel good enough, valued and valuable => there’s inner-reaction deletion for you to do.
– If you’re the one who’s fumbling through parenthood feeling like a failure and like nothing’s in your control => there’s inner-reaction deletion for you to do too.
What’s the cost of not doing this?
Life has a habit of forcing people to change. The more you ignore the alarm, the louder it gets.
For me, the alarm showed up as excessive stress, being snappy and frustrated with my kids, being controlling of my business partner, and a relationship mess with a good friend.
In the worst case scenarios, people have emotional breakdowns, get divorced, find their kids won’t engage with them, or even worse – they develop health problems – depression, burnout, heart problems…
That’s why my invitation is to take action before life slam dunks you into a crisis, or forces your back against the wall.
Act now, work with me, and your life will get better a lot faster.
Putting you back in charge of how you feel, and therefore back in charge of where you spend your time.
Message me ‘parenthood’ and let’s chat.
Curious already? Everyone starts with their Foundations. 4 weeks and we solve the biggest emotional problems you’re experiencing today.
Let’s get you back to enjoying home life and work life.
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