I Don’t Know What I’m Doing

Lady with worried face, part covered by her hand.

Apparently at the start of a new year we’re meant to know what we’re doing, and have clear goals. That’s not my experience this year — and it seems perfect!

Self doubt has been the primary background of my life. Questioning, questioning, questioning. Is this good enough? Am I good enough? What do they think? Do I know enough? Did I miss something?

Funny thing is, on the outside, that hasn’t been evident for many years. People often saying ‘but you’ve got it so under control’, ‘you’re so on it’, ‘it looks like you’re doing so well’.

Perfect evidence for there being no truth to any experience. So why look for certainty there? That hasn’t made sense for a while.

And now the next level lesson for self doubt and not knowing what I’m doing has become apparent as we tip into 2023.

Where I Was A Couple of Weeks Ago

I started the Christmas break thinking I would come out the other side of it with clarity about priorities for the year ahead. That hasn’t happened.

There’s been a lull in energy. A quiet peacefulness with just being. More meditation. A contentment to wait for inspiration.

Although none of this is to be confused with just lounging on the sofa doing nothing for two weeks, thinking something will land in my lap. It might land in my lap, but I seem to prefer to stay dancing in life — at least to some extent. The dance sometimes seems to co-create the inspiration. So life has still happened. Meals have been cooked. Work has been given attention as needed. Posts have continued to be shared in my members community. Friends and family have been seen.

And no inspiration. No clarity. No idea what I’m doing as I move into 2023.

Interestingly Teal Swan has included this current lack of clarity in her annual forecast for the year ahead, saying it’s part of the nature of the transition into 2023, so maybe you are feeling this too.

What it’s Been Like in the Past

In the past, the fear of no clarity drove me to just do something. Anything. To escape the discomfort of not knowing, and the dread of self doubt, the fear of it all. I need to do something to make sure money’s going to keep coming in and I keep looking capable.

Although hilariously I’d never have labelled that experience as fearful, or recognised it as that. I wouldn’t have said I was afraid. I wouldn’t have identified as ‘someone with doubts’. It looked like I ‘had things under control’, I was ‘so on it’ and ‘things were going great’.

Over time, as I’ve excavated to the heart of things, that self doubt has come to be seen as the driving factor behind many words and actions.

Fair enough. It’s not wrong. It’s just what made sense at the time.

What It’s Like Now

And now what’s making sense is to not spring into action.

There’s a curiosity of what will happen if I’m just with this period of not-knowing, exactly as it is. What will happen if I don’t try to over-ride this with something that looks like clarity? To be fair, I don’t even know how I could possibly over-ride what’s happening. It’s unfolding in the only way it can. There is no choice in this.

Which means that what’s being seen is the possibility of not being afraid of a lack of clarity, and therefore not trying to change it. Not being driven to find a solution in my limited human mind in order to do what I’d expected to be doing at this point in the holidays. In order to look socially acceptable. In order to not feel uncertain.

Instead, there’s going within, in meditation, as my sound therapist recently guided me to do. And staying curious to see what comes through from the intelligence of life / universal mind / spirit / the divine — whatever you want to call it.

And this makes sense, because if there was one thing I learned in 2022, it’s that acting from clear and clean inspiration, from spirit, leads to creations that are powerful and loving. So why would I want to say no to that by saying yes to a limited human-mind idea?

Have you seen that difference too?

So yes, I don’t know what I’m doing.

And that’s just fine.

Much love, Helen

Would you like to become less afraid? If you want this too, have a look at what’s available for you in the Wild Fig Community. A space to be, together, as you remember your nature and see through your fears.

2 Comments. Leave new

  • Paul Whittering
    1 January 2023 6:10 pm

    Hi Helen, your ‘not knowing’ and lack of clarity mirrors my own quite beautifully. I’ve been saying this sort of thing for a while to friends, family, people at work, when they enquire (quite reasonably) just what it is that I’m giving up my home for. And I’ve found myself feeling and being very clear paradoxically about not knowing really, not having a plan, beyond the first few steps. And how good that feels. I just know that I want to be quiet and still somewhere, or perhaps in a number of places. Maybe even in Glos. There is a sureness in me about this which is quite new. Lots of love from Bogotá


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