I Didn’t Know I Was Afraid of Being a Disappointment


On Monday 3rd October 2022, I woke up to see the post above at the top of my Facebook feed.


I knew this was something big so I got up and went to sit quietly with these words and a flow of examples came through. Example after example, experience after experience. Showing me the places where I have tried to avoid being a disappointment. Or where I’ve kept running to avoid looking at the fact I’ve felt disappointed by something, or someone.

“Quick — on to the next thing! Nothing to see here! Keep busy and you’ll be fine! Ignore that possibility for feeling disappointment over there”

I saw the series of events that led up to this realisation. A perfect unfolding of puzzle pieces leading up to this crescendo moment.

I wasn’t looking for it. I wasn’t trying to work on my relationship with disappointment or disappointed. But it came anyway.

And it led me to see the behaviours I’ve favoured all my life.

Here’s what I shared on Monday morning with the community members who are in the Money and Me programme just now (hence the theme of money in these words):

I’ve not been letting myself feel disappointed, because that would affirm a childhood belief that I am a disappointment — and that belief feels horrible. It’s like every unhelpful behaviour pattern, every fear, every resistance — it all leads back to this!

Although interestingly none of this has felt or feels horrible. It hasn’t felt painful like the other lady said. It’s been fascinating! I’ve seen that my life has been structured and constructed around avoiding being a disappointment.

To believe this — as we looked at last week — has huge implications with money, because it’s meant I’ve tried to not be a disappointment financially, but the way this body-mind has chosen to not be a disappointment has been to not put myself out there in the way I could. If I’m not putting myself out there then I’m also not going to be a disappointment to ‘them’ (whoever ‘them’ is). And then I don’t have to feel that stomach-thudding feeling in my guts if being out there results in a no.

But…in not putting myself out there, it’s then hard for people to see you and for money to come in — so you feel like a disappointment.

Oh and then laced through it is a fear of “what if I was seen and things got really big, and then I couldn’t handle the volume, and I would fail everyone, and be a disappointment” — so best stay small over here avoiding disappointment and avoiding being a disappointment…which then creates again, yep! — a situation of being a disappointment because you’re living out of alignment with what could be possible!

My reality has always been reflecting exactly what’s been believed. Our reality is always reflecting what’s being believed.

And OMG all the perfection of the timeline of events that has led to this today, and the perfection of the experiences that came flooding back in, with big neon signs above them saying — yes, this was this same message. And this. And this. But I couldn’t see the heart of those messages until today. These things only unfold when they unfold.

It’s all unfolding perfectly.

There is nothing wrong with you.

And now

After almost a week of integration, I’ve noticed moments where I’ve felt disappointed — and just felt it.

I’ve had moments when I’ve potentially had to ‘disappoint’ someone, and yet the words came out totally differently than expected and they didn’t lead to disappointment.

I’ve seen honesty with how I’m feeling without feeling like I’m a disappointment for feeling those things.

All of this pointing to…

…the fact that — deeper than ever before — I see how entirely safe we are in all of our experience, with all of our emotions.

The fact that — once we begin an awakening journey — the system unravels itself in the perfect way at the perfect time.

The fact that there really is nothing wrong with you.

The one that thought there was, disappears with the unravelling.

With love, Helen

P.S. Would you like to know there is nothing wrong with you?

Even spiritual explorations maintain a subtle message that “you’re not OK like that, you need to see something more deeply.”

The message “there’s something wrong with me” persists, even if you’ve begun an awakening journey. This old conditioning continues to play out. Because that idea “there’s something wrong with me” is sitting, unloved, and unresolved, at the bottom of the pile of all the other beliefs.

If you’d like to relax deeper out of all messages that suggest something isn’t OK right now:

Register for your free place on our call — Friday 14th October 2022 12.30–2pm UK. When you register you get 48-hour access to the recording.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Fill out this field
Fill out this field
Please enter a valid email address.
You need to agree with the terms to proceed