Codependency Exists in a Misunderstanding

Last week I shared Jacquie’s journey with the exploration of who we are and what this human experience is, in the context of codependency. A topic that we think is saved just for those in extremely challenging relationships and — never to detract from that — but I want to show how we all fall into codependent patterns at times.

It’s inevitable.

Because the fundamental belief in a codependent relationship is ‘I’m not OK and I need to be like this, in order for you to be like that, in order for me to be OK’.

Notice that the initiation of this domino effect is the thought ‘I’m not OK’ and it is this same belief that is at the core of all unhelpful or unloving human behaviour.

It is the belief that is instantly in play the moment you believe you’re a separate body-mind, alone in a dangerous world.

It is the belief that shifts you from feeling OK with everything as it is, into feeling like I need to speak or act in a certain way in order to feel OK.

Immediately in the presence of this, a level of codependency is in place —

  • I need you to like me / approve of me so I’ll be OK
  • I need to keep you happy so I’ll be OK
  • I need to not speak so you’ll be happy so I’ll be OK

On the surface this plays out as —

  • Over thinking what I need to say before the moment arrives
  • Second guessing and trying to figure out your response so I can choose the ‘right’ thing for me to say or do
  • Imagining how you’ll react and then feeling afraid to speak
  • Planning what I do, the order I do it, who I tell about what, when to talk to you…in order to try and manage / control / influence your response (sometimes we call this stakeholder management to make it sound professional)

It Makes Sense

It makes perfect sense that these are the beliefs we tend to live within, and that this is therefore the behaviour that shows up.

The behaviour is an inevitable downstream effect of the belief, and the belief is currently an inevitable downstream effect of a fundamental misunderstanding.

Inevitable because:

  1. Not many people are pointing you to the fact that being a body and a mind is not your primary experience.
  2. Not many people are pointing you to the fact that bad feelings are the feeling of thoughts believed as though they were permanent, absolute truths.
  3. Not many people are pointing you to the fact that good feelings — what you’re always looking for — are the feeling of yourself, your essential nature, not the feeling of the other person, activity or situation.

So What Do We Do Instead?

We get clear on all of that.

We recognise what our primary experience really is.

We recognise the nature of that primary experience — what it’s like, how it feels.

We recognise how it feels to believe thoughts as truths, and how it feels to not believe them.

We recognise that even this ‘me’ who is concerned about how ‘they’ will react is another thought among many. It’s just been repeated a lot more times.

And naturally, automagically — with an upstream shift in understanding — you see a downstream effect. Thoughts and beliefs stop being believed as true. Behaviour naturally flows more smoothly and easily and lovingly for all concerned.

From there, that most fundamental belief within codependency — ‘I’m not OK and I need to be like this, in order for you to be like that, in order for me to be OK’ — starts to be seen as a long-winded way round to getting back to the OK-ness that you already and always are.

Would you prefer the direct route home?

With love, Helen

We’re meeting this Friday 13th May at 12.30pm UK to explore Everyday Codependency from within the clarity of a Nondual exploration. Looking towards the truth of our essential nature, and the experience created when believing thoughts as truths. Join as a member to be on the call. It’s amazing, life-transforming value in the membership community. And if you don’t love it, you just cancel. It’s all good. We’d love to see you there.

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