When you think you’re right, you never are

How taking a position on something, standing in our right-ness, immediately takes us out of connection with what’s going on. The truth of limitless possibilities falsely narrowed down to one — this one. Have a read and see what you see…

Yesterday my kid’s school year were told they’re the worst year this teacher has ever had.

Every individual in the room was painted the same colour with the teacher’s brush. One homogenous lump. Solid like ice.

But fixed homogeneity can never be true. My child feels that. It shows up as anger, upset, dissonance, confusion. A knowing within that ‘bad’ is not who he innately is — none of us are — and yet this person in authority who’s apparently meant to know more or better is saying it. The solid ice of the teacher’s words tumbling about in the water of reality, out of place.  read more

Christmas Brain – take 1

So how much have you slobbed out over the last couple of days? How many times over have you consumed your own body weight in delicious things? Whatever you’ve been up to, I hope it’s been fun and with people you care about, and I hope you’ve had the chance to switch off and let your mind wander.

Mine’s definitely taken advantage of the wanderings and I’ve had a few reflections from things I’ve noticed about how we behave, the impact we have and how we might want to be instead.

It follows similar reflections last Christmas, when I wrote about the effect on us of saying thank you to someone and their reply being something dismissive like ‘not at all’ or ‘really it was nothing’.

This year, my festive reflections have shown up some other brain things that go on, not just at Christmas but all year round, everywhere we go…… There’s a little trio of them, and this one’s the first…..

Spot What’s Wrong

“It’s not happy people who are thankful.
It’s thankful people who are happy.”
– author unknown

For Christmas my daughter asked Santa for an Elsa dress, wig and shoes. He brought the wig!…….and Granny bought the dress! But she had to wait nearly a whole day between these two openings of presents to realise this.

In the meantime she kept reminding us, over, and, over that she’d asked Santa for the dress and shoes too and he hadn’t given them.

Forget the fact that she got the toy meerkat she’d wanted for 2 years, the ballet shoes, the ear muffs….

She’s not spoilt (I don’t think…..!) but her mind was just doing what it does best. Spotting the bad. Spotting the stuff that’s not right, rather than the stuff that is.

Noticed that at work. Noticed how it’s so easy to spot others’ mistakes, and for others to spot your’s?


As Rick Hanson so eloquently writes in Hardwiring Happiness, “our mind is like Velcro for the bad and Teflon for the good”. And this function was needed in the past. Our survival relied on us thinking there might be a tiger in the bushes and on deciding to run, or advance with a weapon, even if there turned out to be no tiger. As far as our mind’s concerned, the one time we think “it’ll be ok, I’m sure it’s fine, there’s no tiger” will be the time we no longer stay here to procreate. And that’s definitely not good!

Sadly, this instinct is so well engrained that we are still REALLY good at assuming the worst, and spotting what’s not right rather than what’s gone well.

Spotting what’s gone well needs practice and perseverance but the return on that investment will pay back over and over as people grow in confidence and ability, achieving more than they might have ever thought possible.

This doesn’t mean you only ever tell people good stuff. Nobody’s perfect and we all need help to see where we can improve. The difference is that, if you spend most of your time spotting the good, people are mightily more accepting of your thoughts when something could be better.

So who or what do you feel negative about right now?
When you really stop and think about them or it, what’s the stuff that’s good?
And what will you do with these new thoughts?


I believe in people being the key to success and that success is unlocked by great bosses.  I’m an Executive Coach for SME leaders to help create success for you, for your team, for your business.

If you believe in this stuff too, get in touch for a chat and let’s see what we could do together – 07718 316 616 or helen.amery@wildfigsolutions.co.uk
or take a look at my website to find out more.